Depression

A bad bout. Hits me and I'm just crippled.

Marriage

Getting married is an interesting thing to think about. Not because of the commitment, but I immediately begin wondering about the guest list. How do I include everyone I want to while still being sensitive to those my wife to be would want to include? The church I'd need to fit everyone I want to have at my wedding would have to be fucking massive.

Goodnight

I don't think a first kiss should ever be a goodnight kiss. Goodbyes aren't something I'd like to make especially memorable, and that creates sort of a contract or a promise of future intimacy. But mostly it's because of that first reason.

Intimacy

I love the feeling of tension between the bodies of two people. I love the sensation even more when it dissolves under contact.

"All the Time in the World" - Andre Dubus

"'You're not a man. You're a boy. You all are. You're all getting milk through the fence. You're a thief. But you don't have balls enough to take the cow.'"

"She wanted love, but she did not want her search for it to begin in someone's bed."

"She had been reared by both parents to know that concupiscence was at the center of male attention"

A hard lesson more people ought to know.

Not Yet

You can tell yourself that it's not there, but you cannot simply believe something away. Hope instead.

Either cruelest person ever, incredibly forgetful, or she likes me.

Hm

Side note: Is it wrong to like someone because they make you want to be a better person? Or is it wrong to like someone who makes you want to stay the same?

Is love ever wrong?

Life is too short

I keep seeing families at the theatre, thinking about all of the kids from the summer, and looking through old things, realizing all the while that life is too short a miracle.

I mean, in my short twenty years on earth I have grown into a relatively powerful creature, strength and stature wise, but in the next twenty years, I will begin to lose these gifts, or life itself.

Isn't that an interesting thought?

Superstore Fight Scene

Somebody running on top of rows of shopping carts while shooting dual wielded pistols. John Woo + Target = Why hasn't this happened yet?

Somebody told me that I disrespected him.

He said that I had treated him like a six year old. He was so angry that he declared he'd no longer talk to me. Way to prove you're not a six year old.

It hit me yet again

A semi. Hit me, then backed over me. It wasn't actually a truck, it was just a metaphor.

To my detractors

I can't hear how stupid you are over your douchebaggery.

Remember when?

I'd rather not. In fact, please don't bring it up.

Lack of Pride Goeth Before Risk

Tonight I contemplate something that may damage my reputation with a few friends, or become amazing. I realized that pride had pigeonholed me into defending an idea that doesn't exist. Ego had inflated my sense of importance, as if I needed to protect my identity. Pride ends as an attempt to protect an idea of yourself in lieu of expanding it.

Now I'm no fan of monarchy, but

oftentimes they aren't to blame. The aristocracy exaggerates their extravagances to instigate peasant rebellion. "When the rich wage war, it's the poor who die." - Jean-Paul Sartre

Today Was My Last Day at AMC

The first movie I ever saw there was Borat with Alex back in 2006. The last movie I saw was How to Train Your Dragon by myself in 2010. I had a lot of good memories there.

Regal better be a good place to work or I will be upset.

And unemployed.

Talking to this one girl at work today

and she was a grump. It made me think. Don't let the limitations of your environment offer the constraints of your hospitality and imagination. Only you can set those.

Then I told a coworker my new mission was to make her smile. "At least once."

"Good luck," he said, to which I replied "HEY! WE PUT A MAN ON THE MOON."

Dream big, or get the fuck out of America.

"I really think you'll like the house."

Mom wants to move to the north side of Indianapolis, and is trying to convince me to like the idea because she believes that I'll "like the house." Listen: I'm going to live in this house for maybe three more years and only on breaks. I don't care about the building, I care about the company that lives inside of it and visits it. If you steal me away from my friends in our last years together, I don't think a floor plan is sufficient pay.

Man. If we move away from everything I've ever known, could it at least be to some place more interesting than Indianapolis?

I don't really like candy corn, but this is for AMERICA!

I'm so glad they came out with these. Now I don't feel like a pig when I'm chowing down on candy corn colored like Halloween in July. Thanks America, you make my obesity bearable!

Darn Hoosiers

Somebody in the IndyStar was complaining that Hoosiers are wrong for thinking basketball was more exciting than hockey to which I reply, "When was the last time a hockey brawl was brought to the fans?" Pacers like to involve the crowd, just like in Detroit. That's just family entertainment.

This Cat. Adorable.

Kiki crossed the dining table, sat in my lap, and, with the back of his head towards my face, he stretched up so that his nose touched my nose. People who say cats aren't lovable just haven't met the right cats.

Midnight Adventures

On Sunday I ended up on a group trip to Duck Island at ND, followed by a session of just staring at the dome and talking. This trip helped cement my feelings of belonging at ND, and became if not my first, then at least my second favorite night of my first year of studies.

Sophomore year, I'm coming for you.

Going through old posts

I'm shortening them into their core argument and making them funny. You know, like I should have done in the first place.

A Lot of Great Partying and a lot of other stuff has happened, and I'll get to that later,

right now I'm looking for something else, though.

Two Great Nights of Partying in a Row

Never before have I had my chin bitten at a dance party. Scratch that one off the bucket list.

Six words mashed into one: Technaltoneboneapicc. Too much fun for just one english word.

An Avalanche in Spring

Notre Dame is, like, super white. It just now dawned on me. Yeah, I'm stupid.

Seniority and the "Fully-Formed" Person

Some friends asserted that freshmen aren't people. I asked them to show me someone who is completely formed. They were quiet. I think I might have won that argument.

I'm not as innocent as I appear.

I'm actually a bad boy. No! Seriously!

Ah screw it. I'm white bread dangerous.

Words alone

It's dawned on me to not put too much weight into what is said, because words and speech are merely imperfect representations of emotions, reactions in their most pure form. Feelings are more revealing because they are unencumbered by the burdens of language barriers. Words alone will never completely convey a message.

I'm slowly realizing

My friends are the people with whom I can be ridiculous with and still be comfortable.

My great friends are the people with whom I can be ridiculous and sincere with and still be comfortable.

I'm a Musin'

Last night I admitted to someone that I care about them. It had been hanging over me for quite some time, but as soon as you give secrets up, they lose their power. The only problem is that it might have complicated where we're at right now, but I also don't care about that. Why let something live only for appearances sake, when the truth is silenced for sheer convenience?

Sometimes I'm so forward I'm in danger of falling into the deep end. I enjoy living on the edge though, it's more human to be uncomfortable. To be vulnerable with others is precarious, but so is love, and they're both wonderfully flawed states to be in.

I ate so much meat tonight...

I'm going to poop a zoo.

I'm not going to have a food baby, I'm going to have a food people. And the descendants shall be as numerous as the stars in the sky.

I'm going to need an ark to carry away the remains.

I AM SO FULL RIGHT NOW. It's quite unhealthy.

Ehhh

The security you receive with an object can only ever be less than the permanence of the object. Money is only good until it is lost, burned, stolen, or squandered, while friendship can only be irrevocably lost to death.

Tonight the Universe pulled a solid for me.

Somehow, for no reason, Nick G and I ended up in Riley where I learned that people may not like you, not because of something that involves you, but simply because of "other people's shit." Drama that you just aren't privy to which prevents them from acting.

As I gain more distance from my relationships, it's amazing to see how they were so special and so very different.

Wow. So this is where I got my ideas about romanticism. Dad and I both love Peanuts, and he instilled this love in me when I was but a wee lad.

Check out the link if you want to know how I think.

R.I.P. Seeker James Tigger Reichle

It's funny that people always consider cats so callous, yet when a human dies, cats will always be willing to comfort you, but when a cat dies, where are all of the humans? Just something to think about.

Party Scene

This is all just a bad joke. Rebel by fulfilling a stereotype! Drink! Grind! Hook up! And making fun of it is only good for like, five minutes, then I just become lonely and depressed.

Still trying to find my weekend niche.

UND is Gorgeous

Nothing can compare to walking through a campus replete with virgin snow while only sounds from distant winds and the laughter of students drifts through the air, across a perfectly blue sky.

Experiencing this is akin to an embrace with God while he tells you "Everything will be alright."

I believe him.

I love this place.

Today's Useless Word List

- Hansom - "The gondolas of London." Two person horse drawn buggy popular in late 19th century England.

- Au pied de la lettre - quite literally

- Ex libris - from the library of, a mark indicating ownership, as if from a library

- Coup d'honneur - finishing blow in a duel

- Anti-pugilism - defense in boxing

- Congener - a person or thing in the same class as another

- Onomastics - the study of the origin, history, and use of proper names

- Intimation - hint

- Puerile - juvenile

- Ratiocinative - related to or marked by skilled methodical or logical reasoning

- Querulous - full of complaints, peevish, carping, (characterized by or inclined to petty or fussy faultfinding)

- Dour - stubbornly unyielding

- Commissionaire - A uniformed messenger employed by the Corps of Commissionaires for the employment of pensioned soldiers

- Hypermetropia - farsightedness

- Myopia - nearsightedness

- Par Excellence - being the best of its kind

- Luthieri - one who makes or repairs stringed instruments

Enjoy these gems.

Dreams.

Dreams can do weird things. Sometimes they finish a movie for you, like, say, Four Weddings and a Funeral. Other times they bring up things that just depress you.

Timely Rom-Com

I couldn't believe I had not seen 'Four Weddings and a Funeral,' before now, but I understand why I haven't seen it until now.

I am seeing it at an incredibly timely moment, where I can identify quite strongly with Charles. Tom Hansen, Ethan Allen Hawley, and Charles. If you want to know about me, look at these characters.

Jeggings. Just one more sign of the aPOPalypse

Popular culture is now intentionally destroying my will to participate in it.

People say "But they're comfortable." So is being naked, but I abstain from that in public. Quit being so self centered.

The Great Pumpkin Crisis of 2009/10

Good grief. (see what I did there? Style points, bitches.)

No canned pumpkin.

Nestle decided to monopolize pumpkin farming and focus almost 90% of production in one farm. Which is safe. Especially if harvest conditions are unfavorable.

God and his angels are weeping for America.

2nd to Last Supper

Had a cool night with cool cats. Except Champps doesn't take Discover, and I owe Lauren 20 bucks. Oh, and Express had sales on everything but ties. What a crock.

Second Semester Project-

master more useless skills. Such as:

The Ones I Have Started:

- Juggling

- Pool

- Card Throwing

- Useful Guitar Chords (if you can call one note a start...)

- Free style rapping

- Mario Kart Skills

- Super Smash Brothers skills

- Reading classical literature

- Ballroom Dancing

- Cooking/Baking

- Throwing a perfect spiral

- Nailing Free Throws, 3-Pointers, and Half Court Shots

- Basic Drum Skills

- Eating Things In One Bite

The Ones I Haven't Started:

- Piano Parlor Tricks (learn songs, not notes)

- Find openware for mixing songs

- Learn html or xml

- Drawing Caricatures

- Magic Tricks (Last night I was inspired...)

- Karate

- Drink Mixing

- Silk Screening

- Bee keeping (if you get the joke, high five!)

- Rock climbing

Excuse me sir, but could we stop the world for a second?

I've spent my life trying to understand trends of the past, but now I'm trying to catch up with the present, and it is exhausting work. Finding out about new music, and keeping up with the internet while still trying to understand the past may prove to be too big a chore.

What college degree could help me develop this?

It'd be sweet if there was just a button you could push that would tell you exactly how everyone you know felt about you, and it opened all lanes of communication.

That'd be so cool, because this runaround of everyday life is getting silly.

Mr. Frank, Jeanette and I Solved World Peace

If communication could be 100% open and understood, and as long as people could remove their selfish interests from their considerations, there would be no conflict.

Attaining this is difficult, but it starts by recognizing a few basic facts:

- Most every human action is an attempt at security.

- The one thing guaranteed by freedom is the one thing most people fear - uncertainty. Uncertainty threatens security, which is based on assured knowledge.

- Knowing is half the battle.

GI JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE.

Especially that last one.

Recently I've Been Thinking

DEER SLAYER

I saw an SUV in the Target parking lot today that said "DEER SLAYER" in bold white letters across the black hood, bookmarked by the painted on heads of two bucks.

Had the guy (or girl, I guess) killed these deer in hand to hoof combat, that might be impressive, but I think I'd put that on my hood instead of just "DEER SLAYER." "HAND TO HOOF COMBAT CHAMPION, DESTROYER OF DEER." That seems like it's something to be more proud of. Or how about something like "COLLEGE GRADUATE." Something that is immensely more difficult, time consuming, and just more challenging in general.

Who made these rules?

I'm realizing how silly it is that guys have to make the first contact. If this isn't a rule, please tell me, but so far my experience in life has been that guys have to be the bold ones and why is that? Why do I always have to make the first contact?

If someone else is ignoring me, should I ignore them, too? Or should I not ignore them just to piss them off, because how immature they are being?

I like that second option. Which is why I'm an ass.

Only 3650 days left...

And then I'm almost thirty and this decade is over.

Meanwhile, it's time for some reflection because I just watched and rekindled my love of Speed Racer.

If you want to see a predictable good versus evil, visuals that will blow your mind away, trip, skip Avatar and go to blockbuster to pick up speed racer. Watch it on a kickass tv, and prepare to have your face melted.

So...

it would seem my feelings need protection.

And then I was a douche bag to a deer [sic] friend. Oh well, what else is new?

Here are two jokes to lighten the mood.

A giraffe walked into the bar, but the zebra made it under just fine.

Every lemming walked into the bar.

I sweamise, eventually I might return to a normal me. I haven't felt normal in a long time, but it will eventually happen, just as soon as I sort some shit out.

Alright, I've Calmed Down...

..but not by too much.

Luke, Conner, and I were upstairs in the kitchen and we ignored the time. We missed the countdown and the turn. Rounds of high fives, high tens and chest bumps were given out.

Verite came upstairs and all four of us talked, played some music and danced. Like fools. It was great.